First Time

Being a first time mom is great, I love my little Maylynn so much and I'm having such a good time watching her grow up and develop. Her getting bigger, though, sometimes makes me sad a little - it's happening so fast, but I love even that.

I've always wanted to be a mother, ever since I can remember. And though I know it's a blessing, sometimes it can be so hard! I'm sure that isn't shocking to anyone who's been near children. But since this is my first child, a lot of times I just don't know what to do to help her. I read all the websites and books for advice on how to get her to eat or sleep. I think, okay, I'll just do what they say and it should all work out, but it hardly ever does.

Tonight is an endless night of crying. Every time we put her down, she wakes up only a couple minutes later. Once she starts sleeping, I feel afraid to live - of making the floor squeak or breathing too loud. I'm torn between stuffing cotton in my ears to just let her cry, or running to scoop her up at every sound she makes.

Tonight, I think her teeth are hurting her, but I can't really tell for certain. Nothing is helping much except for me holding her endlessly. It makes me sad for her, sad for me, and tired. So very tired.

I'm trying to savor the moments. I'm trying, but it's hard to savor anything when I feel like my arms are going to fall off from rocking her so long. I'm trying to remember what it feels like to hold her and watch as she relaxes. To get a really good mental picture of her little round face, and the way she makes sneaky, satisfied, sleepy smiles when she first really falls asleep. I'm trying to remember that some day she'll be all big and in Jr. High and think I'm the lamest person in the world, or at least tell me so. But, right now, for just a little while, I'm her favorite. It's me who gets to see how excited she is when she learns to play peek-a-boo for the first time; how proud she looks when she pulls herself up to standing for the first time; and all those dreamy, sneaky smiles that her dad never sees. I'm so privileged to see this perfect little creation unfolding and opening up to the world around her.

I hope I can remember that at 3:00 tomorrow morning. These days feel long, but I know they won't last forever.