First Time

Being a first time mom is great, I love my little Maylynn so much and I'm having such a good time watching her grow up and develop. Her getting bigger, though, sometimes makes me sad a little - it's happening so fast, but I love even that.

I've always wanted to be a mother, ever since I can remember. And though I know it's a blessing, sometimes it can be so hard! I'm sure that isn't shocking to anyone who's been near children. But since this is my first child, a lot of times I just don't know what to do to help her. I read all the websites and books for advice on how to get her to eat or sleep. I think, okay, I'll just do what they say and it should all work out, but it hardly ever does.

Tonight is an endless night of crying. Every time we put her down, she wakes up only a couple minutes later. Once she starts sleeping, I feel afraid to live - of making the floor squeak or breathing too loud. I'm torn between stuffing cotton in my ears to just let her cry, or running to scoop her up at every sound she makes.

Tonight, I think her teeth are hurting her, but I can't really tell for certain. Nothing is helping much except for me holding her endlessly. It makes me sad for her, sad for me, and tired. So very tired.

I'm trying to savor the moments. I'm trying, but it's hard to savor anything when I feel like my arms are going to fall off from rocking her so long. I'm trying to remember what it feels like to hold her and watch as she relaxes. To get a really good mental picture of her little round face, and the way she makes sneaky, satisfied, sleepy smiles when she first really falls asleep. I'm trying to remember that some day she'll be all big and in Jr. High and think I'm the lamest person in the world, or at least tell me so. But, right now, for just a little while, I'm her favorite. It's me who gets to see how excited she is when she learns to play peek-a-boo for the first time; how proud she looks when she pulls herself up to standing for the first time; and all those dreamy, sneaky smiles that her dad never sees. I'm so privileged to see this perfect little creation unfolding and opening up to the world around her.

I hope I can remember that at 3:00 tomorrow morning. These days feel long, but I know they won't last forever.

I am going to start blogging. Why? Because I have recently discovered that I really like reading other peoples' blogs, it makes me feel connected to the world. This is a very important thing for me, because I'm a new mom and very often feel disconnected from all other people save my one little person. I realize that blogging is kind of like talking to yourself, at least if you're me and you're just starting out. I just think it will be a nice thing to have a record of myself at this time and future times in my life so that I can look back if I want.

So, very quickly, because I have to go to bed and try to get some sleep before the little one wakes up and needs me, here are some things about my life. I am 29 and getting very close to 30. I live in the same town I was born in and all of my immediate family lives within 20 minutes of my home. This year has brought many changes and challenges to my life. I had my first baby, moved into my grandparents' home, had two grandparents die, and decided to become a stay-at-home mom. My husband and I have been married for 7+ years and together for almost 11, which is crazy! We (mostly him, but I help) lead a Jr. High youth group at our church, which we have done for about 7 years. If you ask most people, that's like voluntary torture, but we really enjoy it...mostly. I love to read, garden, walk, sew, cook, and bake. I like to think I can do it all, and usually I am disappointed with the results of that. Despite that fact, I am trying to enjoy this time of new beginnings in my life and am finding that it is hard, but so good.